Dark Mood Cometh

Filed Under: Mental Health

I am in one dark mood today.
Tucker noticed it a couple of days ago and I was totally oblivious. I didn’t think anything was wrong, but I guess he really does know me better than I know myself.

I really noticed my shit mood this morning. I’ve got a hair trigger temper and the dogs are receiving the brunt of it. Now don’t get me wrong here…I’m not beating them or anything, but they’re definitely getting one or two more harsh words than normal.

My joints are hurting me again; my knees hurt the most. I can’t remember shit and I am utterly exhausted. What I don’t understand is: are my knees and joints hurting because I’m depressed (psychosomatic response) or is something else going on and the joint pain and depression are a symptom.

I’m having to stay away from Peach and EB right now. I know that in my current mood, I will just get my feelings hurt. People post questions about topics that I actually know about and when I reply to them, my information gets ignored. Normally, I would be able to just let it roll off of my back and realize that I shouldn’t take it personally. That’s just not possible right now. It almost seems like a personal attack and I KNOW that it’s not but I can’t help the way that I feel.

Good thing I have an appointment with my Psychologist today, huh?

One thing that’s really getting to me right now is the fact that come April ’08, we aren’t going to have a place to live. We’ll have no health insurance and Tucker will have no job. Kinda scary isn’t it?

People can bitch all they want about the military, but for the past three years, we haven’t had to worry about rent (our BAH more than covered it), we haven’t had to worry about medical insurance (it cost us NOTHING for me to have Cara) and as much as Tucker may hate the people he works with, they can’t fire him and he can’t quit.

I keep reminding myself that before Tucker joined the Navy, I didn’t have insurance and I worked two jobs. We lived in the ghetto and made MAYBE $800 a piece per month. And we were happy. We worked part time jobs and went to college and got along fine. Hell, I think I bought more extraneous shit then than I do now and I always had something to eat and didn’t really want for anything.

But, this is definitely a different game now. We have a seven month old who gets red bumps on her once a month and we haven’t gotten an answer as to what they are. A couple of months ago, she went to the doctor three times that month. One time was for her four month well baby check-up with shots and the other two times were for her bumps. It didn’t cost us a thing. I don’t even want to think about how much that is going to cost us in the civilian world.

We’re entertaining the idea of buying a house once we get back to Arkansas. Tucker will have his VA loan and the thought of having to pay pet deposits on an apartment makes me break out in hives. We have a cat and two dogs. Our two dogs are both at least 60 lbs and are Pit Bulls to boot. So, if we can find an apartment that will accept Pit Bulls then we’re going to pay out the ass since they’re so big. The amount of money that we’d spend on pet deposits would make a decent dent in closing costs.

How are we going to qualify for said VA loan though? What are we going to use as proof of income? Seriously! Do we find a house before he gets out? What if we close on the house before he’s out of the Navy? How do we pay a mortgage and rent?! I don’t like all of this uncertainty.

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