The guy who killed himself on Friday was a co-worker of Tucker’s. I had met him once and found him charming. He was a good looking, tattooed guy who seemed to be very polite, if a bit “twitchy”.
His parents found him in their garage; he had pulled his car into the garage, shut the door and left the car running.
Yesterday, I was sad about the whole situation. Less than a month ago, he had become a father and I just kept thinking about how sad it is that his son will never know his father.
Today, I’m pissed.
How selfish of him to remove himself from his son’s life. How selfish of him to just quit.
Before you start blasting me for that, know one thing. I’ve been where he was.
“Taste Like Crazy” isn’t something that I chose just for the hell of it. I have been called “crazy” more times than I can count and have considered suicide numerous times. I could list a myriad of ways to off yourself, but I won’t. (kinda counterproductive, don’t you think?)
Suicide is the ultimate form of control. When you feel like you have control of nothing else, you have control of that. You can choose when and how you die and that can be somewhat comforting.
I don’t know what kept me from killing myself; I honestly can’t remember. But, for some reason I decided not to do “it”.
I know that several people talked with Tucker’s coworker about his problems and tried to help. Because of this, there’s a lot of guilt floating around Tucker’s workplace. If I could tell them all one thing, it would be that it’s not their fault. If someone has convinced themselves that suicide is their only option then they will do it no matter what.
My goal is to try and turn this shitty situation into something useful.
If you know someone who seems “down”, look for these warning signs:
Talking About Suicide – Any talk about suicide, dying, or self-harm. Includes statements such as “I wish I hadn’t been born,” “If I see you again…,” “I want out,” and “I’d be better off dead.”
Preoccupation with Death – Unusual focus on death, dying, or violence. Writing poems or stories about death.
Rehearsing Suicide – Hoarding pills. Hiding or seeking out weapons. Discussing specific suicide methods.
No Hope for the Future – Bleak view of the future. Feeling helpless and hopeless. Feeling trapped (“There’s no way out”). Belief that things will never get better or change.
Self-loathing, Self-hatred – Expressing feelings of worthlessness, guilt, shame, and self-hatred. Feeling like a burden (“Everyone would be better off without me”).
Getting Affairs in Order – Making out a will. Giving away prized possessions. Making arrangements for family members.
Saying Goodbye – Unusual or unexpected visits or calls to family and friends. Saying goodbye to people as if they won’t be seen again.
Withdrawing From Others – Withdrawing from friends and family. Increasing social isolation. Desire to be left alone.
Dangerous or Self-destructive Behavior – Increased alcohol or drug use, reckless driving, unsafe sex. Taking unnecessary risks as if they have a “death wish”.
Dramatic Mood Swings – Sudden outbursts. Rapidly changing mood from emotional highs to lows.
Change in Appearance – Loss of interest in personal appearance (doesn’t get dressed, neglects basic grooming). Sudden change in style of dress.
Changes in Routine – Changes in eating or sleeping habits. Change in activity level (decreasing participation in school, work, and leisure activities).
Personality Changes – Sudden changes in personality, such as going from outgoing to withdrawn, polite to rude, or well-behaved to rebellious.
Sudden Sense of Calm – A sudden sense of calm and happiness after being extremely depressed can mean that the individual has made a decision and plan to commit suicide.
If you know someone who you think may be contemplating suicide, please call:
National Suicide Prevention Lifeline – 1-800-273-TALK (8255)
National Hopeline Network – 1-800-SUICIDE (784-2433)
Also, here are a few links concerning suicide prevention, signs to watch out for and what you can do:
http://www.helpguide.org/mental/suicide_prevention.htm (this is where I got the “warning signs” list and phone numbers)
http://www.thefredfund.org/ (Depression help, phone numbers and links and memorials to people who have killed themselves)
http://www.afsp.org/index.cfm?fuseaction=home.viewPage&page_id=1 (American Foundation of Suicide Prevention)
http://www.chooselife.net/home/Home.asp (Scotland based, but useful to everyone)
http://www.survivorsofsuicide.com/ (A support site for the people who are left in the wake of it all)
The person you care about may still kill themselves. They may be to that point where there is “no turning back” and nothing that you do or say will change their mind. It’s not your fault if they carry out their plan.
If you’re thinking about killing yourself, at least call one of those numbers. At least go to one of those link. I’m not going to tell you to “pull yourself up by your bootstraps” and get over it. I know that doesn’t work and it’s annoying to hear. I know you’ve thought about this decision for a long time and you feel pretty damn certain that this is your only option; it’s not.
I know that things suck. Everything has gone to shit and it seems like there is no way out. Perception is reality, right?
You have the power to change your perception and thus your reality.
Don’t you owe it to yourself to at least try?