Snorting Bleach

Filed Under: Life

Today I actually got to GO IN some houses that I had stalked looked at on the Internet.

We had a list of seven to check out. Seven.

I went into it expecting to end the house looking session being all conflicted and not knowing which of the amazing houses we were going to buy. I was expecting tears and sleepless hours and all of that jazz that comes with making a very important [and expensive] decision.

Yeah. Not so much.

The first house had this weird faux stone thing going on in the “sun room” which was actually an addition that the people were too cheap to heat or cool so they called it a sun room to make it sound better than a bright version of hell.

The next house was pretty sweet. 1950’s ranch with original hardwood floors and original “retro” tiles that actually didn’t look too bad. Then I noticed the tags on the miniblinds and a couple of cans of paint in one of the closets and I quickly realized that I was walking around in a “flip”. That wasn’t the issue though. It was a GOOD flip. The issue was/is the next door neighbors. No less than three rebel flags in the windows. Two beat up cars in the front yard and then there were the dogs. Barking, aggressive dogs. Sucks that a house that had obviously had some cash sunk in it probably won’t sell for quite a while.

Out of the seven, three of the houses were sold before we got to see them. Like the contracts were signed last night.

No pressure, y’all.

The most memorable of the houses was the worst of the bunch.

From the front, the house is damn cute. Brick front. Nice, pretty magnolia in the front yard. Not to mention the fact [though I will] that the house has over 2k square feet and is on the market for less than 140k. We knew something had to be up with a house of that size being offered at that price point.

It was kind of like meeting someone who looks totally pulled together on the outside but then you meet them and you find out that they like to pull the legs off of spiders and burn things…while they’re still alive.

Yeah. Kind of like that.

Our agent opened up the front door and this stink hit me in the face. Imaging a fog of nastiness and you’re close.

I didn’t want Cara in the house and I definitely wasn’t going to put Ollie down in the house. Our agent then told us that the house is a “short sale” meaning that the bank now owns the house and that it’s going for less than it’s worth.

Well, that’s all cool and stuff except for the cockroach carcasses that were everywhere and the two decks out back that we would have to replace because they’re rotten, and the kitchen that we would have to gut and then there was the tiny detail of having to pay someone to fumigate the damn house and clean it and paint…all before it would be livable. To add to the cost of this “great deal”, there is a pool in the backyard that still has the tarp covering it.

In Alabama.

In August.

Yeah, it’s being sold “as is” meaning that it’s an utter piece of crap that has to be replaced.

The best was definitely saved for last.

I was more than ready to get the hell out of Dodge but Tucker wanted to look downstairs. I started down the very, very steep stairs which probably had originally been covered in beige carpet but today it was more a black dirt color, and I heard music.

Music in a house that was supposed to be empty.

I made our agent go first [OK. He offered. But I didn’t stop him.] and he literally tiptoed down the stairs and peaked around the corner and then tiptoed back up the stairs to us.

When you see a six foot, two hundred pound guy tiptoe [quickly] back up the stairs to you, you quickly [and quietly] make your way to the door.

Apparently someone had a TV and stereo going and though our agent didn’t see anyone, I can’t honestly say that we looked all that hard. Hell, we basically ran liked shot dogs.

The last house was a Craftsman bungalow which is SO right up my alley but it only had one bathroom and in a household of four people, one bathroom just won’t do.


We didn’t find THE house today. Hopefully we’ll find it soon.

And, hopefully they won’t stink nearly as bad as that one house did because I’m still considering snorting bleach to get that odor out of my nose.



  1. We looked at well over 100 houses before finding our current place. It’s exhausting and alarming and dismaying and overwhelming. I wish you luck!

  2. There are a lot of houses in my area that have been nicely “flipped”, but are in such lousy neighborhoods that they take forever to sell. It’s great that you know how to look for the warning signs and RUN when the red flags fly up your face. Unfortunately, not everyone has that skill and end up in some pretty scary situations as a result.

    Good luck. House-hunting can be a lot of fun, but also a lot of work.
    .-= Earth Muffin´s last blog ..Welcome Baby Danger Hawk! =-.

  3. That sucks but I’ve never tried to buy a house so I’m sure I would get myself into trouble by not knowing what to look for. But the music reminded me of wandering into a new area in BioShock for some reason. Glad the splicers didn’t get you.
    .-= PhineasPoe´s last blog ..I by `Gwarf =-.

    • Music? What music? Dude, if you’re hearing music then either something is going on with my site that I don’t know about OR you’re crazier than I am.

  4. I thought i’d let you know a quick trick for your next (smelly) house hunting expedition. Spray some *brand name here* mildew cleaner in your bathtub. It will be a cheap bottle that runs onto your hands as well as half ass squirts on your shower wall. Then voila 4 hours later after much rinsing with water,washing with soap, as well as 4 different lotions, you will still smell the aroma of bleach on your hands!


  1. Amy Tucker says:

    New Blog Post: Snorting Bleach http://bit.ly/Xkejh

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