I wrote this about two years ago and just rediscovered it again.
I know there are some of you out there who can relate.
I hope that you’ll forgive me for writing you instead of calling you; I think I’m taking a break from talking to anyone for a while.
There are some things that I’ve wanted to say to you for a while, but I haven’t been able to dredge up the courage.
I guess that I’m just going to say what I have to say and let the chips lay where they may.
First off, I’m going through a lot right now. Between adjusting to being a mother and the bullshit that is going on with Dad, I really need for you to just listen if/when I call you. I know that you went through a lot concerning Dad. I understand that you are bitter toward him and that maybe you feel a bit vindicated by his current behavior. But, I just need for you to be a sounding board for me. Please don’t give me advice unless I specifically ask for it. “What should I do, Mom” is a prime example. (insert smile here)
I have, for the most part, made my peace with my past. That includes my past concerning you AND Dad. I’m not bitter at either of you. What happened happened and there’s nothing I can do to change any of it. All I can do is move on. I hope that maybe you can do the same thing.
What I need right now is a friend, not a mother. I think that we’re past the mothering stage. You will always be my mom, BUT, I have my own family now and am a mother in my own right. I will (and need to) make my own parenting decisions AND mistakes. If you have to give your opinion on how I’m doing something, please talk to Aunt Diane. I know that you only have my best interests at heart, but I really can’t listen to advice from you right now. No matter how nicely or innocently you present the advice, it will not be received as you intended; I hear it as criticism and I can’t change that. Trust me on this.
I need you to know that I understand how much you care for Caroline. I never have, or ever will, doubt that fact. But, she’s my daughter. You had your mistakes and triumphs with me and this is my time to do the same with her. When you get extremely upset over her bumping her head or over what the doctor did or didn’t do, it comes across to me as us not doing enough or doing the wrong thing.
Today, when I was telling you about Dad, and you asked me how I would have felt if it had been Cara driving at 11, I really felt like you had slapped me in the face. I felt like you were making it about you and that was not what I needed. When you told me that I should never let Cara be alone with Dad, I felt like you had punched me in the stomach. Did/do you really think that I would allow MY DAUGHTER to be alone with a man who may very well have molested me?! Can you understand how that must have sounded to me? How it hurt me?
I understand that you can’t turn “it” off. You care SO MUCH and in such a big way. I love you for that but I need you to try your hardest to rein it in. Please. Trust me that I do not make flippant decisions when it comes to my daughter, my marriage, or my life.
I love you so much. I worry that there’s something broken, missing. Something that we might never be able to get back. I hope more than anything that we can find whatever it was that we’ve lost.
I love you…very much. I miss you.
Image|Pink Sherbet Photography