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Selfish

Filed Under: Life, Mental Health
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*Note – This was originally posted Dec. 9th, 2008. However, I have moved it up so it’s visible again because I have been asked to.*

When your average person commits suicide, they do it because they feel dying is the only option left to them.  They are at such a point of despair they can think of nothing else to take away the pain.  I know because I’ve been there.  A couple of times.

The first time I tried to commit suicide I was probably about ten and took an entire bottle of aspirin because that was all that was around.  I was ten; my planning skills thankfully weren’t great.

The next time I seriously considered suicide, I was around 17.  My planning skills had improved and I had plenty of time to pick a surefire way to kill myself.  Since I had some friends who were on the seedier side of life, I knew I would be able to get my hands on a fairly large quantity of just about any type of pill I wanted.  Since I was a popular sort of girl, [and by popular I don’t mean slutty] I probably wouldn’t have had to pay for the pills.

Obviously, I didn’t kill myself.

In the end, I knew my mom wouldn’t have survived me killing myself.  Her Christmas present that year was a letter from me letting her know she was the reason I was still alive.  Luckily, I wasn’t to the point of total despair since I was still able to think about pain other than my own.

During both of those very low periods, no one had a clue.  Not one fucking clue.  It’s not anyone’s fault for not knowing what I had planned; I acted “normal”.  I went to school.  I did my homework.  My grades were very good.  I put on a very good act – I’m the queen of “the act”.  But, I was right there when it comes to the big red flag of impending suicide.  I had a well formed plan.  I had written out my note.  I had put all of my affairs in order [well, as many affairs as a 17 year old can have].

Everyone points to the “warning signs” of suicide and those are a great place to start.  If you know someone who is depressed then they need to know how much you care for them and how much they mean to you.  They need to know how awful your life would be without them.  They need to know they are an integral part of your life.

My mom called me last night from the hospital.  The only thing she could say to me through her tears was my “[cousin] shot himself”.  She hung up right after.  I called her back to find out my cousin had shot himself and was on life support.  They were waiting to turn off the vent until my cousin’s little sister could drive across the state to say good bye.  She had to drive across the entire fucking state knowing her brother had shot himself.  Can you imagine what she was going through?

I was sad about my cousin for a few minutes.  Now I’m just mad.  Really, really mad.  When I was considering suicide, I never understood suicide is one of the most selfish things a person can do.  When you’re in the pit of it you feel like no one can understand just how bad it is for you.  But, on this side of it, I get the selfish thing.

My cousin was hurting.

Just a couple of months ago he was text messaging while driving and had a wreck.  The guy in the other car was killed.  The local paper wouldn’t leave it alone.

I feel my cousin didn’t see a way out other than shooting himself.

I can empathize with what he was feeling, but I still think it was a douche bag thing to do.  By killing himself, he has left a sister who looked up to him like he was a king.  He has left a mother whose whole world was my cousin.  He’s left a father who was more proud of his son than his son every knew.  He left a grandpa who has buried a son, a wife and shouldn’t be burying a fucking grandson.  My cousin left so many people who loved him.  So many people who he has hurt so deeply.

As kind and gentle as my cousin was, I wish he could see the pain he has caused because I know he wouldn’t have wanted to cause all of this pain.  He wouldn’t want to be this big of a dick.

I’m going to miss him.  I wish he wasn’t dead.  Hopefully I’ll get over the anger soon.  I don’t like being this mad.

Image|Svadilfari

Comments

  1. I hope you all give that paper hell. Maybe he would have been able to cope with it better if they would have left him alone. But they had to get the story, didn’t they. Assholes.

    I’m so sorry for your loss. I’m sorry for your anger, and I’m sorry for your cousin. Hang in there, sweetie. I’m here for you. {{hugs}}

  2. I’m so sorry for your loss…

    I’ve been there in my life, several times. I understand all sides of it.

    I’m sorry for your loss, and your anger, and that it should end this way.

    ShredderFeeders last blog post..So our first family getaway in 7 years is done…

  3. it is definitely a selfish thing to do. My father did it and for a long time I took it as a personal rejection. Eventually I realized he was just weak. Now that I have a family of my own I don’t understand how anyone could leave behind the people that love them….

    PhineasPoes last blog post..Photo

  4. Wow! I’m so sorry for your loss…and for what you cousin had to have been going through to reach that decision. How tragic. Your family is in my thoughts.

  5. This is so tragic. I’m sorry. I can’t imagine how hard it must have been on him – the guilt. I wish he hadn’t chosen this way out. It’s too hard on everyone.

    Amys last blog post..The Future Looks Like This?

  6. I’m so sorry for you, his family and for your cousin who must have been suffering terribly since the accident.

    Fairly Odd Mothers last blog post..Go Ahead, Make My Day

  7. That’s awful. I feel for your cousin I really do, it must have been terrible for him trying to forget something like that and having it waved in front of everyone by a local paper.

    But at the same time now you and your family are left to pick up the pieces. What I would say is to prepare yourself. If your cousin was already the focus of the local rag, they may carry on and print something about this as well.

    I sincerely hope you are all able to get over this in time.

    Leannes last blog post..WFMW – When being cheap doesn’t work

  8. I understand your anger and frustration. The anger will eventually pass. You’re still left with the loss, and the frustration, but it does get easier.

    Stick Mommys last blog post..Nosy Pediatricians

  9. :sad:
    I want to extend to you my thoughts on this. When I was 11 years old my mother killed herself. I was devasted. I felt like it was my fault, due to I was the last one to see her alive and she told me what she was doing. I felt abandon not only by her, but my family. Then when I got older I went thru the anger stage. I was angre at her, myself, my family, and this world. I was on a self-destructive phase, I wanted to make everyone hurt as much as I did, and did a good job of it. And I did try to kill myself to. But never succuceded, I guess God did have a plan for me. the plan was Lauretta and James Capps. I was going to school with their daughter and one day I came up and announced to them I was going to runaway from my foster home, she said I could stay with them. Well I did, and never really left. But I was till doing self-destructive stuff, till one day when he stopped me. I never felt love till that day. And when he cried, because he feared I was heading for the grave, it broke my heart. It helped, but I still had alot to go thru. But my REAL saving grace came on September 13, 1991, when I gave birth to my son. I was so scared thru the whole pregency. I was young, didn’t even know how to take care of myself. But the minute they put him in my arm’s I knew that it would all work out. I do feel the same way, how can she have done this? I would never do that to my son. He is the best thing that I have EVER done. To me, He makes this world a more beautiful place to live in. Even after 26 years, it still haunts and hurts me. I have come to terms with it, I have forgiven her. But there are times that I miss her, that it physically hurts. With age, looking back on it I realize why she did it. She felt no way out. She was so unhappy, so misrable. But it does not excuse it. But I do understand it a little more. Then I found this articule and read it. I cried. When you said “If you know someone who is depressed then they need to know how much you care for them and how much they mean to you. They need to know how awful your life would be without them. They need to know that they are an integral part of your life.” I so wish I could have had the chance to tell her that. Not sure if it would have made a difference, but aleast she would have know. Sometimes I wish I had 10 mintues with her, just to hold her, to hear her call my name. But it will never be. Thank you for writing this. It does help.

  10. coming from a person that has thought out long and crazy scenarios about this situation more times than one can count; i still can’t leave my “other” children in my husband’s care alone.

    he simply couldn’t function. not because of the loss of me but because he would lose the house because he doesn’t know how to pay the fucking mortgage or how to brush our girl’s teeth.

    so yes, cross-roads? a road I can’t cross for the sake of my children. not my husband. because in the end. i’m still a mother that loves her children but at times wish i was childless to be so selfish.

    so there as i leave you with a happy fucking tale of life when it’s really fucked up.
    .-= gorillabuns´s last blog ..metronome =-.

    • I’ve been there, I’ve been there, I’ve been there. A million times over, I’ve been there.

      You’ve lost a baby. A baby just a few months younger than Ollie. You have the RIGHT to grieve for as long as you need. You have the RIGHT to consider all of your options – even if one of those options is to kill yourself. But, you don’t have the right to deprive your kids of their mom. To deprive your husband of his wife and I’m glad that you realize that.

      You email me if you want to talk because I want to be your friend. How’s that for dorky?

      I know you have friends and some of them might know how you feel, but I’ve been on both sides of the fence and they both suck.

  11. I’m no super-expert…just rocking the personal experience on this one…but I think there are people that do it and people that don’t. I know that sounds over-simplified and perhaps even silly, but really, in my heart of hearts I think it’s just that simple.

    Some kind of wire in the brain that will either get tripped…or it won’t.

    And none of us will ever know who has a “trippable” wire until it’s already too late.

    Maybe that’s because I did the whole, “Tell them you care, make them understand they’re important to you” thing. I fear that telling people to express themselves when they see warning signs gives those same loved ones yet another reason to blame themselves if they forgot to say “I love you” (or whatever magical phrase they may have said that could have stopped the possibly unstoppable) that one super-important time. The time before it’s too late.

    (That’s how *I* get to sleep at night. I don’t expect anyone else on earth to agree with my crackpot theories.)
    .-= jennydecki´s last blog ..I’m Like A Pregnant Godzilla =-.

Trackbacks

  1. Amy Tucker says:

    I was asked to move my post about my cousin’s suicide back to the front page. So, I did. http://tastelikecrazy.com/2009/08/15/selfish/

  2. Amy Tucker says:

    @ConservativeLA I think I know a thing or two about death. http://tastelikecrazy.com/2009/08/15/selfish/

  3. Tom Ostring says:

    RT @TopsyRT: Selfish http://bit.ly/bigCB6 #GreatBlog #Suicide

  4. […] of crazy is I haven’t had a suicidal thought since I was about 17 and don’t plan on being that selfish; I have way too many people who depend on me to do that to them. That and even when things suck […]

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