Pretty much the only New Year’s Resolution that I remember for this year was that I was going to use this website to better track my moods. There are a couple of problems with that.
First, I have a very, very hard time writing when I’m feeling “low”. In a way, I guess I could just go back through this site and find the five or six day periods with no new content and assume that I wasn’t feeling so chipper during that time.
The second problem is that New Year’s Resolutions are pretty much doomed to fail the second you make the resolution. Or maybe that’s just me?
I watch those drug commercials for depression meds and while I see some of me in those actors, it goes a bit deeper than that. Right now, my fingers feel like concrete blocks – they really are that heavy. My head feels that heavy too but I’m going to assume that’s just my huge brain.
The real problem with these times is that I can’t trust myself.
I don’t mean that I’m going to hurt myself or my kids or Tucker [though he deserves it sometimes. I KID!]. What I mean is that I can’t trust my perception on things. Do I feel like shit because I’m getting sick or do I feel like shit because my brain is wired wonky? Am I so damn tired because I stayed up late or is it the depression sucking my energy? When people give me odd, hateful looks, are they really even looking at me?
It’s a scary, scary thing to not be able to trust yourself because if you can trust anyone, yourself should be the first. Right?
I’m so hypersensitive to things right now and it drives me crazy. Really.
Tucker knows how down I am right now. He doesn’t give me a lot of shit because he knows that this will pass and before long, I’ll be running around with all kinds of energy and a renewed passion to write and work out and take over the world. At least he knows what’s going on. At least neither of us is in the dark.
And I really feel the need to mention my kids right now.
I’m not neglecting them. They still get their teeth brushed and they still get bathed. They still get disciplined when they deserve it. They’re still are cared for and read to and loved.
I realize how lucky I am to have such a supportive husband and I realize how lucky I am that my low points don’t get so low that I’m debilitated and that my family suffers.
But I really want a nap right now. And a steak. Anyone have a nap and a steak I can borrow?