Used To Be Me

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Today is probably not the best time to be writing this since I’m sure that if I waited for a couple of weeks, I would have a much more positive spin.

However, Tucker chose today to scan in the pictures that I mentioned in the Porn Drawer post and since I have the images on my hard drive, I have this sick need to share them.

In my last entry, I mentioned not being able to trust my perception and these pictures are a great illustration of that warped perspective.

I’ve written many times about being fat and about how I’ve always been fat and all of that. Except, I was thin for a short time – well, thin for me.

During that time, I bought my first pair of size 12 jeans and I still thought I was fat. When I would look in the mirror, I still saw the same person even though I had shrunk from a size 16-18. My clothes told me I was smaller. Appreciating looks from Tucker and other guys told me I was smaller, but I didn’t see it.

What sucks is that I see it now.

I look back at these pictures and I can remember how I felt about myself at that time. I can remember how I saw myself and things I said about my body.

Hindsight is 20/20 though because I can NOW see what everyone else was seeing. I can see that I was damn skinny [for me] and I looked HOT. Like, smoking hot. And I’m not someone who compliments my looks. I suppose I can say that I looked hot then because that person is like a different person. In some of the pictures, that girl wasn’t married.That girl hadn’t had kids.  That girl’s biggest worry was how she was going to pay for college and how she was going to handle her boyfriend being gone to Boot Camp.

Looking at these pictures, I’m sad.

I’m NOT happy with what I look like right now but I can’t gather up the drive to change anything. All I can do right now is bitch. So, look at the hotness that was me about five years ago and cross your fingers that one day soon, I’ll find that girl again.

Girl in the Box image|lulazzo [non vede, non sente, non parla]


  1. You were beautiful then, you’re beautiful now. I hope you can see that, if not now, then soon.
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  2. Thanks for always sharing such honest and real thoughts and emotions. It’s so rare these days when everyone’s trying to be P.C. and ultra careful about everything they share with fear of things haunting them.
    You keep it real and we appreciate it. The best writing starts with integrity and honesty.

    As for beauty, I think we can all relate to what you’re saying. I know I am not as handsome as I used to be but such is life. I focus on all of the other benefits and pluses that I have now thanks to time, age and experience. Am I just rationalizing? Perhaps. Still..what can we do?

    As for your hawtness? I think you’re still beautiful. Just in a slightly different way.

    Again, thanks for sharing your true self with us all.


  3. ouch. That sucks. I always love/hate it when I find pre-baby, pre-marriage pictures. Love it because it makes me appreciate what I have now. Life wasn’t so stable then, and there was room for doubt, chaos, guilt, instability, drama, etc… Hate it because I look so much better then. I’m saying the love outweighs the hate (today- don’t ask me the next time I run across a picture from 2003 of me dancing on the grass with my tummy showing at a Dave Matthews Band Concert…)

  4. I remember the wedding at the Gov’s house (the one of you in the oh so SMOKIN’ black and white dress). I told you then that you were hot! We may have a few (ahem) extra pounds between us, but we both have kickass kids… I’m not allowed to obsess (I almost put ‘abcess’ lol) about my kids and their laziness, if you can obsess about your weight! 🙂

    I think you’re perfect, exactly the way you are!


  1. Amy Tucker says:

    New Blog Post -Yes. Another one. Used To Be Me: http://bit.ly/1HqKOo

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