This is a two part post since what I had planned on writing about has been usurped by something else; I hate it when that happens.
Part one is about me losing weight. Part two is about my dad.
Weekend before last, I decided I was going to lose weight. Again. And to be clear, the “again” isn’t supposed to mean I decided to lose some more weight or to lose weight another time. I decided to try to lose weight again.
I found a journal from an eleven year old me which started on January 1st of that year with one of my resolutions being to “lose 10 pounds”. First off, how fucking sad is that?! Eleven year old me put that at the top of the list followed by “be kinder”, “respect Mom and [step-father]”, “do my chores”.
I found the other resolutions endearing but that “lose 10 pounds” one really stuck in my craw since I now have a daughter of my own and it hurts my heart to think her first thought at eleven might be the weight she needs to lose.
But I found that journal a couple of months ago so it wasn’t what spurred on this change. I don’t know what did it. Maybe I’m just tired of being fat? Yeah, that’s a big part of it. I’m tired of being embarrassed to have sex with Tucker and if I should be most comfortable with anyone, it should be him.
SO, weekend before last, Tucker, the kids and I all headed to Barnes and Noble and I looked through all of the “Diet” section [talk about depressing] and finally decided I was going to look at the cookbooks. I found Healthy Calendar Diabetic Cooking: A Full Year of Simple, Menus and Easy Recipes [affiliate link] and decided I could do worse.
We made a two week shopping list [which is included in the book] and got exactly what the book said we needed. I also started logging my food on DailyPlate.com and this is going to sound really weird, but I think that’s fun. Daily Plate calculated I needed around 1700 calories/day and I’ve consistently been either at or below that mark.
And you know what? I’ve lost weight.
I started at 227.8 lbs on February 16th and I’m currently at 218.8 lbs. Nine pounds down. Just by keeping track of what I eat and being more aware of how many calories things have. Also, did you know sex counts as exercise? I’m just saying.
Now that I’ve written that, I realize I’m almost love TEN POUNDS. Holy crap! I’m used to seeing the scale go the other way. So. Yeah. That’s cool.
For pretty much my entire life, my dad has lied to me. I’ve come to believe he’s a compulsive/pathological liar and can’t help himself. I’m in NO WAY excusing his behavior because he’s a damn adult and should have learned better or gotten help by now but I have this annoying habit of trying to explain others’ behaviors. I’m pretty sure it’s a coping mechanism.
At any rate, we’re planning on going to Arkansas this weekend to see our extended families and I didn’t bother to call Dad since I knew he would make an excuse as to why he couldn’t drive the two hours to see us. Imagine my surprise when he called me and asked when we were coming to Arkansas next.
Before I could loosely explain our very loose schedule, he informed me he was working on Sunday. No skin off my nose, dude.
I didn’t think anything of it because I was slightly relieved and went on with my day.
Then, I talked with my ex-step-mom via email and she flat-out told me Dad had lied to me and that he’s not working on Sunday and that he asked to see their kids on Sunday.
Now here’s the thing. I could give two shits what my dad is doing. Cara seems to waffle between being scared of the man and indifference and Oliver doesn’t care one way or the other. Dad and I seem to only have politics and horses to talk about and he interjects bits of “fatherly wisdom” when he feels like it’s appropriate. The whole thing feels staged and completely contrived and I’d rather just skip it altogether.
What gets my panties in a bunch is the fact that he automatically lied to me, with absolutely no fucking good reason, and apparently doesn’t care.
Because, really? Does he honestly [a word he probably doesn’t know the meaning of] think I would have a problem with him spending time with my step-brother and two half siblings?
He screwed up with me but that doesn’t mean he can’t do a better job with his new kids. The man just can’t seem to get that through his thick skull.
I think days like these are typical for most people: up moments and down moments.
While I’m excited about my weight-loss thus far, I have a hell of a long way to go – ideally I’ll get down to between 120 and 130 pounds. Since we’re not doing some kind of crazy “lose weight fast” thing and are trying to change the way we eat, I’m hoping the weight keeps coming off and once I’ve lost a bit more and our schedules get less hectic, I’ll add exercise to the equation.
And I know my dad’s a lost cause but sometimes it just feels good to vent. You know?