Diarrhea of the Mouth

Filed Under: Life

I was probably in third grade when my teacher very delicately told me I had “diarrhea of the mouth.”

And looking back on it, I realize she had a point. I’ve always talked a lot and if I hear my mom say one more time, “Think before you speak!” I’ll probably staple my mouth shut.

OK. So maybe I won’t do that.

Though it would be a fairly effective means of weight control. But then again, how the heck am I supposed to eat bacon with my lips stapled together. And then there’s always the whole pain factor and infection.

I had a friend back in college who was into all things piercing related and she used to always tell me the mouth is one of the diciest places to get a piercing due to the high rate of infection.

Hello, ADD tangent. How are you tonight?

Point. Where the heck did I put the point of this whole thing?


So I’m doing this super secret-hasn’t launched yet-but it’s not really that secret internet thing [that doesn’t require me to take off my clothes] and I’ve started spending a good deal of time on Skype talking with the fabulous women who are also participating in this “thing” – because I’m not going to type all that out again. It makes my brain hurt trying to figure out where to put the dashes.

There’s this one chick – and I won’t use her name or link to her because I don’t want her to shoot me – who is hella cool and she’s got a great sense of humor. Basically, I want her to be my BFF but not in a “It rubs the lotion on its skin” kind of way.

For some reason, I clicked on her Skype profile since I was curious about her age. Who knows why I did it since I’ve never really cared about someone’s age. But, I did it anyway.

And she’s a few years older than me. But she doesn’t act older. And that’s not to say she’s immature…she’s just fun and not what I expect out of someone her age.

I’m trying REALLY hard not to dig my proverbial grave any deeper because what I did next, when coupled with that last sentence just kind of puts more proverbial nails in my proverbial coffin in my proverbial grave and stuff.

So I said to her – in a room full of women on Skype, mind you – “This is completely not going to come out right, but [cool lady], when I’m your age, I hope I’m just like you.”

And I knew the second I typed those words – especially since they were prefaced with “This is completely not going to come out right…” –  that my itty-bitty internal filter had failed me yet again. What I should really do is type this stuff and then hit the backspace button and delete it all. That way, my brain thinks I said it, but, I manage to keep myself from looking like too much of an ass.

It’s all about brain trickery. You gotta sneak up on it.

Because, really? If someone said that to me when I’m her age, or even now for that matter, I would have gotten the head waggle thing going on and been all like “OH NO SHE DIDN’T!”

You see, I have this issue with age.

I also have a sneaking suspicion that thirty is going to be absolutely freaking hell on me. I worry too much about losing myself in the day-to-day riggers of life and when I see someone who’s older than me, but who I still consider “cool”, it gives me hope that I’m not going to end up in a muumuu and watching Maury.

Though I have heard muumuu’s are extremely comfortable and can you ever really ever get too much of “Who’s her baby’s daddy?”

I think not.

Mind you, she took it with grace and when I appologized privately about being an ass, she didn’t seem too broken up about it. Which made me feel better.


Internal filter, why must you fail me yet again?!


  1. I was a piercer for a while and I had a hell of a time keeping surface piercings from getting infected. I went through nipple piercings like three times before I said screw it. Never had a problem with oral piercings. Well, there was that one time I fell asleep on the bus on the way to Texas to meet the wife and ended up yanking a brand new labret piercing through my lip and swallowing it in my sleep. So yeah, if you ever want a set of rings that you or Tucker can lock to curb the eating/talking [there will be some give so you can slide a strip of bacon in since its thin] just let me know.

    Other than that, shutting up was probably the greatest lesson I ever learned. Too bad it never translated well into me typing. That’s probably why I don’t blog as much. Piss too many people off too quickly or reveal way too much about myself. At least you [and by that fact me] aren’t alone in the whole filter malfunctions.

    • I have my left eyebrow pierced and have thought about getting another one but I’m not so into the piercings. Now, tattoos…that’s a whole different story. 😉

      I think I’m a lot like you when it comes to typing and that stupid filter.

      As you can well see, I type just about exactly the way I think and I type fast. Which is bad and good. Means I can bang out 1k word in no time but that also means my fingers can almost keep up with my brain.


    • Hey, at least I kept the other [now removed] piercings out of the conversation. Let’s just say I had to practice on someone and I was the only one at the parlor stupid enough to let me pierce me.

      I was working on learning tattoos before I moved to Texas. I’d probably get a gun and teach myself if I brushed up on my art skills more. But that would require either time that the kids don’t want me to have or going back to school when I have no fng clue what I want to go back to school for. And yes…tattoos…I want more. I’ve designed pieces for my wrists, my back, her back, my calves. It’s been so long since we got any that I try not to think about it because I want one so bad. It’s like a familiar friend I haven’t seen in forever. The sting, the endorphins that follow during a long session, watching a blank slate transform into something beautiful and meaningful…and damn you alcohol! Letting my mind wander like that.

      Where was I? Oh yeah. Tattoos very good. Piercings anywhere from very good to blerg depending on where. Oh and count me in if its nice and crispy.

  2. Eh, I gave up on cool years ago. Now, I just hope not to publicly make an ass of myself.
    Aim high, right?


  1. Amy Tucker says:

    New Blog Post: Diarrhea of the Mouth http://bit.ly/90l8ia

  2. motownmutt says:

    pretty random: RT @nil17 @Tastelikecrazy: New Blog Post: Diarrhea of the Mouth http://bit.ly/90l8ia

  3. Amy Tucker says:

    I just wrote this: Diarrhea of the Mouth – I was probably in third grade when my teacher very delicately told me I … http://ow.ly/17r6w0

  4. Amy Tucker says:

    I wrote this last night. It's random. You've been warned. Diarrhea of the Mouth http://su.pr/2rpO7b

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