Things Fall Apart

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I officially lost it last night.

I thought I would be OK and I was pretty sure I was going to hold it together until last night.

I had to go to Target with the kids yesterday and though it wasn’t the horrible, soul reaping experience I had feared it would be, it had a dash of screaming with a smidgen of exasperation and just a hint of annoyance.

We got home, had a very tasty dinner of sausage pizza and blueberries – don’t ask – and I put the kids to bed. Over this book I was reading – Linger – I sipped my glass of wine and realized I didn’t want the book to end so I came back inside to watch this movie I got from Netflix. The movie I’ve had for about a week and hadn’t picked up since I tossed it on the counter on the day I got the thing in the mail.

Rachel Got Married – the movie – stars Anne Hathaway in a roll I never imagined her in: a recovering junkie in a beyond screwed-up family. Since I highly doubt you’ll see it, I’ll go ahead and tell you that you find out toward the end that one time when Kym – Hathaway – was high, she had been left to watch her little brother and at one point had missed a curve and plunged into a lake. Since she couldn’t get him out of the car seat, he drowned.

I boohooed huge tears and had the ugly crier face and everything. I was damn sexy, let me tell ya.

I was annoyed at Tucker because he hadn’t called me back when I thought he should have and when I finally did call me back, I was pretty much an emotional basket case. My emotions were basket cases…not me. [Whatever. That made a lot more sense in my head than when I wrote it down.]

I don’t even remember how the conversation really got started but we basically ended up having this gut wrenching hour long conversation where I was crying and Tucker couldn’t really understand me because, when I cry, my voice gets all squeaky and if I’m REALLY crying then my throat kind of closes around my voice box and makes it where I can’t talk. Or something.

I said things to him I most likely should have said a long time ago. He reciprocated and I apologized for transgressions from before Tucker and I were even married. Stuff I still feel guilty for. Stuff I won’t talk about here.

By the end of the conversation, Tucker and I mutually decided him going back to Active duty most likely isn’t the best idea in the world for either of us but we’ll revisit the topic if he were to lose his job and can’t find another one.

We also decided we’re pretty good for each other and I told him I feel guilty for not writing more posts about him being gone but I don’t feel there’s any point NOW since I don’t see a series of posts written for posterity being particularly helpful since Tucker and I have already settled the subject.

Dig it?

Anyway, I woke this morning to a set of very, very puffy eyes. Puffy enough to require the application of Preparation H to my eyelids. I’m not joking. It worked and now I look halfway human.

So things were settled. I feel better about our relationship than I probably ever had and I can now let myself off the hook for not keeping up with those “Tucker’s gone” posts.

But I’ll still use the image one last time. Because it makes me laugh.