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“Sometimes Mommy Gets Sad” Talk

Filed Under: Mental Health
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Image | id-iom

Image | id-iom

I’m writing this today but I’m going to post this tomorrow so you jump in your time machine and figure all that out.

The reason the time matters to me is that I know tomorrow I’ll be OK. Tomorrow I hope I’m OK. When this posts, I’ll know. Probably.

Yesterday–today–was a rough fucking day.

Cara and Ollie were/are like they always are: they’re kids. They fight. They hit. They holler. They cry. They’re little cavemen and it’s my job to shape that behavior. At least in a perfect world, right?

Tucker called home around lunch time and he just sounded…off. I don’t know how else to describe it. And I got off the phone with him fast because I was being a bitch and I knew it but I wanted to blame him because it’s easier that way.

I just wanted to run away. I wanted to hide. I wanted to go. To…not be anywhere.

Did I want to kill myself? Hell no. Did I want to die? No. Did I want to hurt myself? Nope. Did I feel like an utter and complete failure at everything, totally and completely. Yeah, yeah I did/do.

Everything was/has been setting me off and by “setting me off” I mean I was/have been crying at the drop of a hat. Sappy song? Yeah. Nice comment on Facebook? That, too.

I felt/feel worthless and realized/realize it’s getting close to when I’m going to have to figure out some way to explain some of this to Cara.

I didn’t spend all day in bed. I got them cereal. I cooked lunch. I made/am about to make dinner. I put on makeup but didn’t take a shower. I’m still functioning. But Cara knows something just ain’t right and…well…fuck me.

She’s five. She doesn’t deserve this stupid bullshit.

I’m tired of using the dumb past/present tense crap. I’m sitting here watching the kids play some dumb Lego video game and I’m about to cry. Seriously? How dumb is that? Granted, the game does blow…

The “sometimes Mommy gets sad” talk isn’t one I want to ever have.

Fuck. Me.

And now I have to make dinner.

Comments

  1. thepsychobabble says:

    (hugs) Hey, hitting that functioning level? Is sometimes a HUGE achievement. <3

    • @thepsychobabble All better now. And this is why it too so long for this Cyclothymia to be diagnosed. Blah, blarg and so on.

      And thanks for the hug and comment. It means a lot.

    • @thepsychobabble

      All better now. And this is why it too so long for this Cyclothymia to be diagnosed. Blah, blarg and so on.

      And thanks for the hug and comment. It means a lot.

  2. Livefyre says:

    @TheAmyTucker Drop this in your page’s template: #livefyre {padding-left:20px !important;} Do that and watch the magic happen 🙂

  3. WellReadWife says:

    I’m right there with you. My oldest is four and he walked in on me crying in the bathroom a few days ago. I told him I stubbed my toe, but eventually I’m going to have to have the talk.

    Thank you for stopping by my blog today. You have no idea how much you helped me just by sharing The Fight You Must Fight with me.

    • @WellReadWife That makes my day that The Fight You Must Fight helped. I can’t believe I wrote it almost two years ago…

      At any rate, I believe this is a just like when we were in school and no one was getting what the teacher was talking about and then you’d ask the question EVERYONE else was thinking but they were too chicken to ask.

      We’re that person…um…you know what I mean.

      We write this shit cause it helps us but also because there’s at least one person out there who WANTS to write it but can’t. Sharing what we’ve written is our way of asking that question.

  4. darkfairymomma says:

    Been there, done that many days…but we keep going in hopes that one day it will get better….and it will *hugs*

  5. CutestKidEver says:

    I’ve had the “Mommy gets sad” talk with my son before. He was either 2 or 3. I try not to cry in front of him, but I’ve been REALLY depressed sometimes, and I can’t always help it. I always make sure he knows that it’s nothing he’s done that’s making me sad, it’s just something that happens, and I love him very much.

    • @CutestKidEver I did that yesterday when Tucker got home. Him being there just kind of gave me an excuse to…feel? Cara was concerned about why I was so sad. Her dad was home, after all! Happy times! I took her out of the room and told her that sometimes people cry even when things are OK and that she’s great and I’m happy she’s around to cuddle.

      She’s five. She was totally down for cuddling. 😀

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