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I Killed My Fifth Black Widow Spider Yesterday

Filed Under: Gifs, Life, Videos
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Before we moved to Alabama, I had only seen one Black Widow. It was a quick association since she quickly became VERY WELL acquainted with my shoe.

In Arkansas, you worry about Brown Recluses. Those fun, fun spiders that slip into your shoes and between your sheets and wait to bite you so they can laugh while your skin rots. And I hear they drink too much and cheat on their taxes.

The house we bought last year is in a relatively new subdivision surrounded by pasture and fields; the bugs haven’t figured out we’re here to stay.

We have tons of grass spiders and when we first moved here I freaked the hell out cause I kept seeing lots of brown spiders and thought they were all recluses waiting to go all zombie spider on me or something. Stupid grass spiders carry their babies on their abdomens and when you squish one, they seem to explode mini-spiders and that skeeves me right the hell out.

Thought you should know.

The first widow I found at our house was HUGE. Chick must have been like the baddest bitch on the block or something. I’m sure potential predators started to go after her and then she came out of her little hidey-hole in the brick of our porch and the predator was all like, “Nah. I’m cool. Nevermind.”

I made Tucker take her out. [I’ve forced Tucker to kill a LOT of widows.]

In my defense, she had decided to move into a place like four feet above my head. I kept imagining me trying to kill her with one of my tomato stakes and missing and her jumping down from her spider house and stabbing me in the eye or something.

Something like this but with more knives:

Now we’re a year in this house and the Black Widows are still here. They’ve put up their “Kick the Humans Out!” signs. Bitches ain’t moving.

I’m a bit freaked out. Widow bites aren’t usually deadly but I’ve read they hurt like hell and who is in the backyard the most?

Cara and Ollie.

Those two practically live under their playhouse and that’s prime Black Widow real estate. Tucker assures me widows aren’t interested in the dark spaces under the playhouse to which I say:

This last widow met my Vibram and I’m getting tired of dealing with spider guts. Me thinks it’s time to call an exterminator.

And here’s a very pretty video of a guy letting a Black Widow climb all over his hand.

My favorite comment on that video?

“This guy has balls the size of the sun.”

And just for shits and giggles, let’s add this video since I noted yesterday on the site’s Facebook page, this is a fantabulous Halloween post and I didn’t even mean for it to be.

The grand takeaway? Spiders? Go straight to Hell and die. A lot.

Widow image via Keith T. Robinson

Comments

  1. Great post. I HATE spiders and could not imagine having those in my house! *shudders*

    • Thanks! And we’ve gotten lucky that we haven’t found a widow in the house but I HAVE found two of those dumb grass spiders inside. One was in the kids’ playroom and, OF COURSE, was carrying her brood on her abdomen so when I squished her all of the young’uns went everywhere…including into the carpet. *gag*

  2. ack, no, ew….I can deal with a lot. Mice? I’ll set those traps. Stupid box elder beetles? Obnoxious, but they don’t actually hurt anything. Spider. LET ME AT THE PESTICIDES, PLEASE.

  3. I thoroughly have the heebie jeebies. So there’s that. 

  4. Deanna Garretson via Facebook says:

    Totally squicked out now…

  5. PsychoChick966 says:

    Jesus.  Effing.  Christ.  BALLS!!!  I am SOO skeeved the hell out, Amy!  Firstly, I had no idea Black Widows were even that BIG!!!  Now you’ve just added another state to which I’ll never move.  I have a whole list of ‘em based on their nasty-assed bugs, or weather or some shit like that.  I don’t know how you get through each day, woman.  I live in a very rural area, and have since gotten used to all the critters I have in and around my house though, so I guess you’ve become slightly desensitized to the Black Widows out your way too.  It’s funny, but as a child, I was PETRIFIED of all things bugs..PETRIFIED.  I spent picnics at state parks locked in our car with the windows rolled up.  …and yes, I said rolled up.  ;-)  Then, when I became a mother, somehow, something clicked in me, and I became the one who dealt with bugs with great bravado.  I had to chill out my two little girls and teach them that they were really nothing to be feared.  My youngest became their champion, and still to this day, expects anyone in this house freaked out by a bug, to remove it from the house, with it’s life in-tact.  She did not get that idea from me though.  

    Good for you for still bein’ alive Amy, ’cause I’d have peed myself and promptly had a cardiac arrest the second I saw one of those Black Widows!!  

    • This post has gone over so much better than I thought it would. :D I glad I was able to spread some of my spider fun around a bit. :D

      And bugs totally get killed in this house. I don’t care what brand of bug; bitches gonna die.  

  6. Deanna Garretson I do what I can. ;)

  7. I’m glad I made so many people’s days [and nights] with my spider post. :D

  8. I Killed My Fifth Black Widow Spider Yesterday: http://t.co/E67wx1sM

  9. Just added my #inlinkz link: http://t.co/GNNAaDra here: http://t.co/1wzibo69 via @inlinkz

  10. I Killed My Fifth Black Widow Spider Yesterday: http://t.co/txQpFrvH

  11. So one of my BFFs left our psudo-city living to move out to the middle of nowhere. Before she moved in, I was over helping clean and paint. In the master bathroom, there is this sweet little window that faces the south. Something caught my eye, and I saw the biggest black widow I’d ever seen. I mean, she was like dude’s in the video. I looked at her and she looked at me. She sucked her teeth, and looked at me  all, “I was here first. This is my turf, yo.” When she waved a leg across the menagerie of carcasses in the sill, which I still swear included a bird, I saw a glint of razor she had tucked. 

    All of this is to say, “I can relate,” and “Great post.”

    Be safe out there.
     

  12. I can’t believe I made it all the way through this post! I am totally skeeved out now.  I feel the need to strip down and make sure nothing is crawling on me.  Thanks a lot!  (In all seriousness, I would have a heart attack if I saw one of those for real.)

  13. first, AWESOME post. 
    second. Whoa.
    third. OMG Grass Spiders explode spiders when you kill them???!?????!!! EWWWWWWWW.

  14. I Killed My Fifth Black Widow Spider Yesterday: http://t.co/Yw5uDSoS you just have to check out @TheAmyTucker’s post #halloween #spiders

  15. It’s funny, I live in PA and depending on what info you look at it will either say that Brown Recluse will come as far north as PA while others say it doesn’t.  Well, my dad had a friend who’s a roofer.  He ran into this guy after not seeing him for some time.  He was limping around and had an ulcer on his leg.  My dad asked him what happened to his leg thinking maybe it was gout or diabetes or something along those lines.  His friend tell him that he was working on a roof here in PA.  Him and the guy he was working with tore off a piece of the roof and uncovered this huge spiders next.  The spiders of course ran everywhere including on them and bit them.  By the next day he said is leg was open so he went to the ER told them what had happened. They needed to know what kind of spider.  The guys boss went back up on the roof and found a board with some of the squashed spiders. Turned out it was a nest of brown recluse.  Now my dad’s friends says it’s possible he may have to have his leg amputated.  Which is absolutely horrible and to imagine it was from some spider bites!  I have a phobia of bugs in general.  Typically I”ll let a spider live just because i know they eat bugs.  But if they’re too big, look dangerous, or just get too damn close to me they lost their license to live in my house
     

  16. Okay… some of the videos made me giggle.  Some made me want to die.  I have been known to cower in the corner waiting for someone to kill a housespider.

  17. Those last two photos got me. Surely it is wonderful there but I’m not heading to Alabama any time soon.

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