Shoving At the Comfort Line

Filed Under: Book Related, Life, Mental Health

I’ve been trying to figure out why it’s taken me so long to write a follow-up post to the “Where Do I Go From Here?” post and I’ve come to a couple of conclusions.

First and foremost is the fact that I knew I needed to respond to your comments and I just didn’t have it in me. You took the time to leave thoughtful comments the idea of doing the same made me tired. Understand I’m touched by the comments and though it’s cliché, it was me and not you.

There’s also the little matter of my desire to play Skyrim overwhelming my desire to write about…anything. Think of it as a Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs applied to modern digital life or some such.

I’m thinking I just needed a bit of a recharge.

I needed to step away from the internet rat race and just chill. If you follow me on Twitter or circle me on Google Plus then you know I didn’t go totally off the grid. In fact, I was more active on those two sites than I’ve been in a long time; something about those microemotional transactions was more appealing and manageable.

The kids are still in Arkansas–we left them to spend time with grandparents–and at this moment, as I listen to Tucker play Mass Effect, my only concern is if I want to expend the effort required to apply makeup before we go to Walmart. I’m thinking probably not.

I’m not saying I’m coming back to write every day or even every other day. That tiny amount of pressure seems too much and as Tucker tells me, I don’t have to blog. The world won’t end if I quit the internet for a while. And, hell, there’s more to the world than the computer. Balance has always been a problem of mine and this is just another manifestation of that.

I’m also not into doing the whole “New Year’s Resolution” thing but pushing against some comfort lines isn’t a bad thing and that’s what I’m planning on doing this coming year and in some ways, it goes along with me striking some kind of balance. I don’t know how many changes I can take on and actually succeed so I’m going with two: gym and not being a shut-in.

The gym part’s being taken care of by, well, joining a gym. There. That was easy. The hard part? Actually getting off my ass and going to the gym. Being that it’s a 24 hour jobber, my chances of coming up with a valid excuse has been reduced greatly.

The hermit shut-in part is a bit harder. And by “harder” I mean it’s more uncomfortable. I’d rather go to the gym every single day than have to meet new people. Really. New people are scary.

Last year at Blissdom I nudged the new people comfort line with my toe when I agreed to do a “Wisdom Workshop.” That required me to talk to new people but only for a short amount of time and after that I could hide if I wanted to hide. THIS year I’m a Community Leader at Blissdom. And I just threw up in my mouth a little.

It’s my job to keep a group of first-time Blissdom attendees from sobbing in the bathroom because they’re scared and feel alone. Not that I can identify with that at all. It wasn’t Blissdom and I wasn’t sobbing. That’s all I’ll say on that topic. This is me taking the new people comfort line and giving it a massive shove. I thinking part of my brain knows I can do this and that everything will be roses. The triune/reptilian part of my brain wants me to run away. Lizards are silly creatures so I’m going to try and ignore that brain segment.

I leave you with three posts: “The Belly Rub of Vulnerability,” “Let’s Be Nice” and “My Basket.”

See ya when I see ya.