I Killed My Fifth Black Widow Spider Yesterday

Filed Under: Gifs, Life, Videos

Before we moved to Alabama, I had only seen one Black Widow. It was a quick association since she quickly became VERY WELL acquainted with my shoe.

In Arkansas, you worry about Brown Recluses. Those fun, fun spiders that slip into your shoes and between your sheets and wait to bite you so they can laugh while your skin rots. And I hear they drink too much and cheat on their taxes.

The house we bought last year is in a relatively new subdivision surrounded by pasture and fields; the bugs haven’t figured out we’re here to stay.

We have tons of grass spiders and when we first moved here I freaked the hell out cause I kept seeing lots of brown spiders and thought they were all recluses waiting to go all zombie spider on me or something. Stupid grass spiders carry their babies on their abdomens and when you squish one, they seem to explode mini-spiders and that skeeves me right the hell out.

Thought you should know.

The first widow I found at our house was HUGE. Chick must have been like the baddest bitch on the block or something. I’m sure potential predators started to go after her and then she came out of her little hidey-hole in the brick of our porch and the predator was all like, “Nah. I’m cool. Nevermind.”

I made Tucker take her out. [I’ve forced Tucker to kill a LOT of widows.]

In my defense, she had decided to move into a place like four feet above my head. I kept imagining me trying to kill her with one of my tomato stakes and missing and her jumping down from her spider house and stabbing me in the eye or something.

Something like this but with more knives:

Now we’re a year in this house and the Black Widows are still here. They’ve put up their “Kick the Humans Out!” signs. Bitches ain’t moving.

I’m a bit freaked out. Widow bites aren’t usually deadly but I’ve read they hurt like hell and who is in the backyard the most?

Cara and Ollie.

Those two practically live under their playhouse and that’s prime Black Widow real estate. Tucker assures me widows aren’t interested in the dark spaces under the playhouse to which I say:

This last widow met my Vibram and I’m getting tired of dealing with spider guts. Me thinks it’s time to call an exterminator.

And here’s a very pretty video of a guy letting a Black Widow climb all over his hand.

My favorite comment on that video?

“This guy has balls the size of the sun.”

And just for shits and giggles, let’s add this video since I noted yesterday on the site’s Facebook page, this is a fantabulous Halloween post and I didn’t even mean for it to be.

The grand takeaway? Spiders? Go straight to Hell and die. A lot.

Widow image via Keith T. Robinson