After my virtual “breakdown” Saturday night on here and on Twitter over Oscar, I decided to stay away from the internet as much as was possible so that I could get my thoughts [and emotions] together.
Maybe breakdown is a tad bit extreme but my emotions were extremely raw and close to the surface. At that time, I couldn’t handle reading one more heartfelt tweet, email, or comment from people who were willing to offer their support without asking for anything in return.
This morning I got up and read over everything and felt such thankfulness to everyone who listened to me bitch and moan and complain [and cry] over Oscar.
I called to check on Oscar yesterday and though he was doing better, he was still stopping up the catheter and the vet still thought that surgery was the best option. All weekend, Tucker and I had discussed Oscar’s options and we decided that if Oscar didn’t make a miraculous recovery then we would opt for the surgery. If there was a chance that the surgery could save Oscar’s life then we’d go with it and know that the vet would find Oscar a good home.
In the past, the vet had said that he would do the surgery and then find Oscar a home. Yesterday, after asking my thoughts on the situation [I told him that we would rather Oscar have surgery, be out of pain and live with someone else than be dead] the vet said that once Oscar had the surgery and was healed then the vet would look for a good home for him. But, he also added that though he wasn’t making any promises that we [meaning he] might be able to “work something out” if we were still interested in having Oscar back once he’s back to good.
So today I have an overwhelming sense of relief.
Relief that my cat isn’t in pain because of bladder sand stopping up his urethra. Relief that we finally made a decision and the “alternate realities” are gone. And mainly, relief that the door isn’t completely shut on us getting Oscar back.
But you know, after worrying over this for…well…since we rushed Oscar to the vet, I can finally admit that if the vet were to find Oscar a new home where he was the only animal and the people could devote their full attention to him then I might be OK with him living with someone else.
I think a lot of my grief this weekend was selfish grief. I wanted MY cat back and I didn’t want to anyone else to have him and on and on. But maybe it would be better for him to live with someone who doesn’t have a two year old and a nine month old to chase after? Maybe it would be better for him to truly be the center of someone’s life?
Maybe some of that is me justifying our decision but I’m not going to worry about all of that right now. For now, I’m just going to bask in the absolute relief that I’m feeling. Oscar’s finally getting what he needed [probably all along] and the rest can wait for another day.