Today is probably not the best time to be writing this since I’m sure that if I waited for a couple of weeks, I would have a much more positive spin.
However, Tucker chose today to scan in the pictures that I mentioned in the Porn Drawer post and since I have the images on my hard drive, I have this sick need to share them.
In my last entry, I mentioned not being able to trust my perception and these pictures are a great illustration of that warped perspective.
I’ve written many times about being fat and about how I’ve always been fat and all of that. Except, I was thin for a short time – well, thin for me.
During that time, I bought my first pair of size 12 jeans and I still thought I was fat. When I would look in the mirror, I still saw the same person even though I had shrunk from a size 16-18. My clothes told me I was smaller. Appreciating looks from Tucker and other guys told me I was smaller, but I didn’t see it.
What sucks is that I see it now.
I look back at these pictures and I can remember how I felt about myself at that time. I can remember how I saw myself and things I said about my body.
Hindsight is 20/20 though because I can NOW see what everyone else was seeing. I can see that I was damn skinny [for me] and I looked HOT. Like, smoking hot. And I’m not someone who compliments my looks. I suppose I can say that I looked hot then because that person is like a different person. In some of the pictures, that girl wasn’t married.That girl hadn’t had kids. That girl’s biggest worry was how she was going to pay for college and how she was going to handle her boyfriend being gone to Boot Camp.
Looking at these pictures, I’m sad.
I’m NOT happy with what I look like right now but I can’t gather up the drive to change anything. All I can do right now is bitch. So, look at the hotness that was me about five years ago and cross your fingers that one day soon, I’ll find that girl again.
Girl in the Box image|lulazzo [non vede, non sente, non parla]
