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Let Me Tell You About My Night

Filed Under: Life
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About a month ago, my friend Alana [HI, Alana! ] decided that I was going to see New Moon with her. On opening night.

Alana really isn’t one of those people you argue with and so I went online, bought my ticket and spent the next month stressing about how Tucker would handle the fact that Ollie was going to wake up around 10:30, my boobs wouldn’t be here and then Tucker would have to deal with that emergency.

Yesterday a new “emergency” developed when Alana called me to say that every single screen at the movie theater was showing New Moon, that they had sold completely out and that everyone was lining up and then at 10:30pm, the theater workers would open the doors and it would be a free for all.

Needless to say [though I will], I was pissed by this development since I had bought my ticket through Fandango and was worried that the theater wasn’t going to honor the ticket…especially since the guy Alana talked with said that we should “get there early” since I had used Fandango.

I made dinner – roast chicken with mashed potatoes, gravy and corn – and it was pretty fantastic.

Roast Chicken Dinner

The lemon is an inside Twitter joke of sorts.

After dinner, I set off to Alana’s and we followed two other chicks to the theater. When we got there, the LINES [as in holy crap! there are multiple freakin’ lines!] were already pretty long and we got there at like 8:45pm – you do the math because I’m damn tired but we were there early.

New Moon waiting line

It was cold. Really, really cold.

So, we waited and waited and waited. And we listened to this very militant theater worker who took her job a tad bit too seriously holler about not running and/or pushing as she stomped up and down the line.

Finally we got in and managed to get seats all together.

About three times, teenage theater worker boys came in and told everyone how no cameras or cellphones were aloud once the movie had begun and if you were caught then you’d be kicked out and you wouldn’t get your money back and they would beat you up and take your lunch money too.

OK. The beating up part and lunch money part was a blatant lie. But that’s what it felt like.

The previews started and there was a faint electronic buzzing noise and while the music for a preview would be fine, the voices of the actors sounded like the actors were under about three feet of water – you could hear they were saying something…you just couldn’t make out what exactly that something was.

At one point early on [and I can’t remember if it was after the movie had started or still during the previews] a theater worker came in and said that they were fixing the sound. This is an important little nugget of information since this shows that at least one employee knew that particular screen was having sound issues.

Sound fixed, movie proceeds.

Movie doesn’t suck as bad as the first one. I could have done without the real live laugh track from everyone in the theater because, really? The movie wasn’t that funny.

Also, the CGI bugged me – the wolves didn’t look as rockstar as they should have, the wave looked fake and the plane looked fake.

AND there was this damned Burger King bag sitting on the trash can outside of the movie theater in the movie and it was such blatant product placement that I mentioned it during the movie [Sorry, Alana!] and when I thought about writing about New Moon, that stupid bag was the first thing I thought of.

I’m sure I am the only person who had such an issue with the Burger King bag.

Now, I don’t want to hear anyone bitching about me ruining the movie for them from here on out because if you’ve read the book then you know what happens so stick a smiley faced lemon in it.

Around the time when everyone has breakfast at Emily’s house, the sound started to screw-up again. And for the next 45 minutes [I wish I was joking] the actors sounded like they were back under that three feet of water.

Ten minutes into it, people started losing their shit.

Women as old as my mom flounced off to demand that the theater workers fix the sound.

Nothing happened.

As the period of messed up sound continued, more and more people got up and started searching for an employee who could fix the sound.

People kept coming back and saying they couldn’t find anyone and that the entire place was deserted.

One of the guys in the audience even went so far as to find the projection room and beat on the door.

Time wore on and people really started getting crazy. There were several different people who loudly suggested calling 911 – cause that would fix everything! [Idiots]

Then came a couple of suggestions of pulling the fire alarm. Like the 911 call suggestions, I’m not quite sure what people expected to achieve with that. Did they really think if they pulled the fire alarm that the firemen would run back the movie, fix the sound and then tell everyone to have a great night? [Double idiots]

Finally, FINALLY, someone managed to WAKE THE PROJECTIONIST UP [!!!] and he ran the film back to where Bella jumps off the cliff…about ten minutes in front of where he should have run the film back to.

And here’s the kicker, even though the theater essentially made the movie 45 minutes longer, totally screwed up the continuity and enjoyment of the film and potentially put their patrons in danger by having NO employees present, no one is owed a refund since the theater showed the film in its entirety.

There were little kids in our theater – they looked seven or eight.

Can you imagine the panic if someone had pulled the fire alarm and there were no employees to direct the flow of bodies? What would have happened to those kids?

Movie ended. Everyone was pissed cause we didn’t get a refund and no one came to address the angry masses. When we left, we saw no one except for the people who had been in our theater.

Since this thing is already a novel, I might as well tell the rest of it.

After I left Alana’s, I still had an hour drive and it was about 3:45 am. I got a text from Tucker asking if I was on my way. Ollie had been up since midnight and I can only assume that Ollie and Tucker weren’t laughing and bonding or anything cool like that. Also, Tucker had to be up for work in a couple of hours so it wasn’t especially cool for him that Ollie was keeping Tucker up.

AND, from my perspective that sucked since my grand plan had been for me to come home after being up longer than I had been in a long time, sleep for a few hours and then when Tucker got home at noon [since he works a half day on Fridays] I’d take a nap. But, since he got a very small amount of sleep, I don’t see that happening…even though I got home at 4:50 this morning and had been up since 6 the previous morning. Cara woke me up at 6 this morning so I’m running on coffee at this point.

To just really ice that shit cake, the fog was so thick this morning that I had to drive 45mph at some points and had to call 911 on a driver who almost took me out on the Decatur bridge and who kept swerving. That was fun.

So yeah…New Moon.

Was it worth all of the bullshit that I went through last night?

Nope.

I mean, Lautner was nice jailbait eye candy, Pattinson and Stewert did the “I love you so much” thing well and I bet it would have been a good flick if I could have watched it all the way through – and been able to hear the actors’ voices the whole time.

Will I be emailing this link to the movie theater?

You bet your sparkly vampires.

Images|Mine and Evens Hill