I’m not quite sure how I ended up on Chris Brogan‘s newsletter mailing list but I’m not complaining since I rather dig the guy.
There is a point.
Bear with me.
In this newsletter that I got today there was a part that has stuck with me through all of the stuff that has happened since I read it:
One of the best definitions of love I’ve heard recently is that love is the act of supporting the other person’s growth without question.
The rest of the newsletter was good and I enjoyed it and thought that I learned something from it. I found value in it. More than I can say for most of what I’ve read today.
I took a hard look at myself. At my site. At my family. And I realized that something had to give. Something had to shift or the entire ship was going to sink and I was going to be left treading water and wondering what the fuck just happened.
Cara has been in a tailspin since we got home from BlogHer and has convinced herself that she is terrified of her room. She fell asleep on the couch next to me as I was typing this. Ollie has been trying to readjust himself to being at home and in his own crib after three nights of falling asleep between Tucker and me.
Tucker has been amazingly stressed out by work because of a huge deal that is in the works and I asked him to take two days off so that he could go to Chicago with me and watch Ollie while I went to the conference.
No. I’m not getting a divorce.
No. I’m not shutting down my site and quitting this Internet thing.
What I am doing is coming to grips with the reality that my husband did a very selfless thing this weekend. He drove me twelve hours [should have been nine] to a conference that I was scared to death about attending so that we could spend a butt ton of money and I could continue to be scared and worry about what people thought about me and if people were laughing at me and worry about whether or not people thought I was being paid to hand out booze [I wasn’t by-the-way] and Tucker took it all in stride.
This weekend, Tucker was Chris’s definition of love and I have an overwhelming sense of guilt for putting Tucker through that while at the same time, my heart is amazingly full of love and gratitude toward him.
Tucker predicted drama at the convention, but then again, it’s a group of 1500 women…of COURSE there’s going to be drama. He listened to me bitch about my feet. He listened to me whine about wanting to go home early. He smoothed my hair and assured me that I did in fact look nice and that people would talk to me and that I would do just fine. Trust him.
And, I did trust him. I do trust him.
For too long I’ve imposed a double standard with us. What’s fine for me to do isn’t necessarily fine for him to do and that’s not only not fair, it just plain sucks.
This is supposed to be about Tucker [good things] but I’m feeling all defensive the deeper into this that I get because don’t want people to whisper, “Wow. Poor Tucker. His wife’s a heinous bitch and how the fuck does he put up with her and I bet he’d be happy to be done with that crazy chick.”
I know that he doesn’t feel that way and I don’t think that I’m a bitch [well, not all of the time] but I have been incredibly unfair and incredibly insensitive and though Tucker can be a giant boil on the Devil’s ass at times, no one deserves to be treated except in a fashion that you would want to be treated.
My goal is to be fair.
The concept is so simple. So pure and yet I know that it will probably be one of the most difficult tasks that I’ve undertaken. He deserves to be treated the way that he has been treating me.
Fair is fair.