I’ve known this day was coming for a long, long time.
Six months long time.
The kids’ dentist. By myself.
At least when Tucker’s with me I’m able to pass one kid off on him and focus on whichever kid I decided to be responsible for.
Not today.
Today was Oliver’s first official visit and he was less than thrilled. Cara screamed at everyone who dared look her way.
I was by myself, had to fill out the paperwork the office hadn’t sent me yet still felt justified in practically shaming me for having not filled out the paperwork I didn’t have…yeah. What I said.
My left eye was watching Cara. My right eye was watching Ollie. Now that I think about it, I’m not quite sure how I managed to fill out that paperwork. I suspect I didn’t do too hot a job of it.
The nurse/technician/whatever came out of the back, called Cara’s name and Cara instantly turned into a Cara puddle at my feet. Actually, more like around my feet. Basically, she prevented me from moving forward. She also prevented me from shoving shoes back on Ollie’s feet. All the while, the Cara puddle was squalling this earsplitting scream thing about not wanting to see them. Who the hell was “them”?
We got back to the examination part of the office.
What you need to understand here is this dentist office is kind of swank. And what I mean by that is there are tons of bins of toys for after the exams and the techs aren’t scary. The dentists are all young and actually seem to like kids.
Bottom line?
There is absolutely NO excuse for what happened next.
The entire time the tech chick was cleaning Cara’s teeth, the child screamed. Like you could have been outside and you probably would have still heard that noise. That was fun.
All the while, Ollie’s hanging out on the bench with an Elmo doll and a Barney doll and he’s making them fight each other. I still can’t decide which character would win that particular death match. Feel free to comment with your wager. You’re not going to win anything but I’d be interested to hear your thoughts on the whole Elmo vs Barney fight.
Cara was done and as soon as she sat up, the tears dried, the screams stopped and she was smiling. WTF?
Now, it was time for Ollie.
The absolute second I picked him up, he went limp. And then, since the limp thing wasn’t working so well, he decided to try the ole arch-the-back thing. I had that kid in a death grip and he wasn’t going anywhere except where I was putting him.
About half way to the exam table, he caught on and started the screaming.
You would think his sister – being the girl – would have that market cornered and you would be WRONG. Oliver has this let’s wake the dead type of scream and I suspect his lung volume is greater than Cara’s since he can just go and go and go. This child does not need to breath once he’s gotten to screaming.
Luckily his exam didn’t involve a cleaning – just a good look. I’m not sure I could have lasted much longer without the gas. For me. Not him.
The dentist had to examine Cara and so we waited.
Waited meant me chasing Ollie one way while Cara ran the other way. It was special.
About fifteen minutes later, the tech called Cara to come on and get her teeth looked at. Know what that child did? She booked it the other way.
I’m not joking. I was corralling Ollie and when Cara took off, I couldn’t do much other than throw up my hands – I really did that – and cuss quietly under my breath – it was quiet.
The tech took after Cara. Down the hallway. And that tech was in a full-out sprint. Who knew a three year old could run that fast? I suspect the child has a future in track and field.
Back came the tech, holding Cara against her body, and the tech had this look of triumph on her face that told me:
- Girl has done this before. It ain’t her first rodeo.
- She had won; blast those cantankerous three year olds.
- This child WOULD submit or else.
I liked this chick. She was kind of my hero.
All through the second exam, Cara screamed. And to make things even more enjoyable, we had moved to another room. A smaller, enclosed room. So Cara’s screams bounced off of every wall and came back to my ears amplified by about…oh, I don’t know…a MILLION percent. It was awesome.
I laughed through the whole thing. I was surprised I wasn’t embarrassed. I even commented to the dentist I wasn’t embarrassed by the kids’ behavior. Just really, really pissed. He laughed at me.
Needless to say, I was not a happy camper when we left.
I said four words to my kids until we got home: Get. In. The. Car.
I’ve gotten over it but, really?! All that drama? Really?
Sheesh.
