Ollie. A Bead. The Emergency Room.

Filed Under: Life

Thanks goodness for Notepad ++.

Cause that’s where I’m typing this right now. Though you just assume I typed this into the magical blogging thing and out popped this post thing.

Silly reader.

Our wireless router has finally given up the ghost and we’ll have a connection for a minute and then no connection. Translation? Our interwebs are broked. Specifically, our interwebs broadcastermajig be broke.

If I wasn’t so tired, I’d shimmy myself up on the kitchen counter and restart the router and then cross my fingers that the restarting would magically reserect our very, very old router. But I’m tired. Because I was at the emergency room till 1230.

Why, you ask?

Wanna know what happens when you scoff at the panic other parents go through because their IDIOT KIDS put something unnatural in some orifice?

YOUR IDIOT KID puts something unnatural in an orifice.

Karma’s a bitch.

To all of our credit, the only person who freaked was Cara and I suspect part of her freakedness was due to a lack of sleep and another heaping helping was due to the fact she wasn’t the focus of our attention; Cara stayed with her dad.


Huntsville’s emergency room is a scary, scary place at the tail end of the night. That’s a situation where, even if you’ve never had any sort of medical training, your brain instantly goes into triage mode as you scan the room and evaluate whose sickness poses the least health risk to you and yours.

When you find yourself in an emergency room situation, I have some helpful words of advice which will hopefully make your experience as pleasant as is possible in the alternate reality that is an emergency room. Keep this simple idea in mind during the whole ordeal:  Your goal is to make yourself memorable in a positive way. Think of the emergency room as a jail and the staff as your jailers. If the jailers like you, you’re more likely to recieve special favors.

  1. Be polite. Even if you’re in a heap of pain and/or the desk staff are assholes, be nice. It’s a common courtesy everyone should be afforded and most don’t so when YOU DO, you’ll stand out as an awesome person in a sea of butt holes.
  2. Remember the person behind the desk’s job sucks. I’m not saying you should let them get away with being unprofessional but it’s important to practice a level of empathy. How chipper do you think YOU would be after a wave of drunks, drug seekers and your average loiterers came in?
  3. Be polite. I’m not joking on this. Please. Thank you. I appreciate that. You’re welcome. Yes, please. No, thank you.
  4. Have your insurance and identification card ready and if you want bonus points, you might even have a pen with you.
  5. If you are the affected party and you have to bring someone with you, ensure they have read this list so they do not inadvertently cause you undue stress and pain.
  6. If you have any family in the medical field, you might casually mention that…especially if they work in an emergency room.However, I suggest you stick with close extended family and closer and medical professions that require at least a two year degree. I wouldn’t mention your third cousin twice removed who took an animal science class back in the ’70s at the local community college.
  7. Don’t make eye contact with the other folks in the emergency room. Some crazy mofos hang out in emergency rooms. Seriously. Bring a book.
  8. Even if it’s 90° outside, at least bring a light sweater. Hospitals are cold places.
  9. Switch your phone to vibrate. Not only will this keep you from annoying the hell out of other patrons but it will also minimize the attention your uber duber phone draws to you.
  10. When you finally leave, even if it’s been five bajillion hours, thank the staff who helped you. I’m not saying slip them a fiver or anything but just say, “Thanks.” There’s a very good chance your “Thanks” will be the only one the staff hears that night.

Moral of this whole story?

It’s not nice to scoff at people–even if that is a fun word–and be nice to emergency room staff.

And hide small round objects.